How NOT to get triggered by your kids every day!

We all know that feeling we have when we’re about to flip our lid and let loose at the kids because they’ve just ignored us for the third time today… it’s called being triggered! It seems like some days, our kids are intentionally doing things and saying things to get a rise out of us. But are they? Do you know why you get triggered? If you answer ‘no’ to that question or a ‘pretty much’… then we need to delve into this! When you can pinpoint your triggers, know why they happen, and even anticipate them, you are well on the road to managing them smoothly.

Let’s break this down a little. Before we even get to looking at our triggers, we must have an awareness of what I call our Setting Conditions. These are the conditions that make you being triggered more likely to occur. I know mine inside and out now, since learning how important this information is – and it has really helped me to forecast when I am more likely to snap at my kids for something they have done.

Have a look through the following list and ask yourself two questions. What are my setting conditions? And When do they usually strike? This is really key to know so that you can be aware of when you are likely to get triggered.

Common Setting Conditions:

1. Lack of sleep

2. Illness

3. Noisy environment

4. Poor health

5. Lack of self-care

6. Having received bad news

7. Change in plans

Once you know what your patterns around setting conditions are, you are able to now use this as data; really vital information that will help you learn how to become triggered and snap much less often. (By the way, did I mention this also works with your spouse or partner, and in-laws too?)

Next, you must raise your awareness of the specific things that trigger you into feeling frustrated, angry, rage, and so on. Parental triggers are the things our kids say or do, that make us see RED! We snap, shout and often ‘hit the roof’ when these things happen. Some parents I’ve coached have described being triggered as ‘going from zero to 100’ and ‘just snapping’. Does this resonate with you? Let’s look at what common triggers are. Ask yourself – are any of these my triggers too, and what other things cause me to feel really angry at home?

Common Triggers:

1. Kids disobeying instructions

2. Kids refusing dinner

3. Kids talking back

4. Being ignored

5. Kids crying and whinging

6. Kids having a meltdown or tantrum

7. Siblings arguing

8. Plans falling through

Ok so now we have a great list of what specific actions cause you to be triggered. How many things are on your list? Were there any that surprised you? Things that you think don’t really bother you, but in the last week or two you actually did see red when it happened? Take time to reflect deeply on this, as without this information, which is at the root of why we clash with our kids so much, we really can’t start to do anything about it.

Now let’s finally look at what happens post-trigger! This is the things you do or say right after flipping your lid, and saying or doing something that you potentially regret. Do you scream or shout, smack or threaten? Have a think about what your usual reaction is, when you kids trigger you. See how many of the below reactions you tick off.

Common Reactions:

1. Shouting

2. Smacking

3. Walking away

4. Ignoring

5. Stone-walling

6. Threatening punishments

7. Sending to time out

Now comes the real game-changer. This is where we decide to no longer get triggered by our kids’ behaviour. You can actively choose to take another path, find a new route, change your behaviour so that you aren’t adding fuel to the fire when your kids behaviour is challenging you. Stay with me. It’s not hard, it is actually really simple – but it takes intention, new knowledge, time and commitment to shifting your patterns. Little by little, every day.

Here’s the How-To:

When you have the answers and insights into your setting conditions, triggers, and reactions, you can then go ahead and start reducing the times you get triggered by your kids.

In the midst of the emotional event – ask yourself these 5 simple questions. See this process as a circuit breaker in itself! It’s powerful when done right. Take the time to pause, take a breather, and run through these questions BEFORE you allow yourself to say or do anything.

1. What am I feeling?

a. Name the emotion, the specific one – e.g. not just “I’m angry!” But “I feel disrespected, not valued, left out,” etc.

2. What am I thinking?

a. Inner thoughts such as “I can’t believe he’s done it again. Five times this week. Is he serious? What a jerk. He never does anything right. He’s always such a brat”. Yes, pay attention to even the harshest of thoughts you have)

3. What do I want to have happen?

a. What is a realistic outcome here?

4. How might I sabotage this outcome if I act on impulse?

a. Look at how you may be getting in your own way, by getting upset, shouting, making things worse, etc.

5. What do I need to say or do right now that will get me the outcome I want?

a. Can you think of something calmer, more rational, or reasonable that you can do or say so that you DON’T add fuel to the fire? What might your child be needing from you in this situation?

These 5 questions are so powerful to utilise in the heat of the moment, to bring some rationality to the interaction. Think about what your child’s behaviour is really telling you at the moment? You can translate any behaviour from your child into verbal language, and this can be really helpful too. It helps you to answer the last question around what you can do to help, not hinder the situation.

Reach out if you find yourself getting triggered multiple times a week with your kids. Parenting does NOT have to be a huge challenge. Sure it has its ups and downs but you do not have to be clashing with your kids and feeling stressed every day. Let me help you – contact me using the form below and I’ll tee up a time for us to have a free 30 min chat. Let’s do this together!