Avoid the Meltdowns When Saying 'NO' to Your Kids.
It can be so stressful when your kids have massive meltdowns or resistance when you say "no". We get the grumpiness and the complaining and the whinging as a result. As parents, we would want to avoid it as much as possible... I hear you!
Our kids come to us daily to ask questions, get something they need. Sometimes it can be quite demanding so it’s so beneficial to be able to anticipate and manage this smoothly.
When our kids ask for something from us, it does NOT mean that we have to give all the things they want. We need to be able to tell our kids "no", not just because we are the "leaders" of our family, but because it is crucial to set boundaries for our kids. This is how we know they will develop into kind, respectful adults. Also, they will hear many other "no's" in their life for years to come!
However, we do not need to just give them a cold "no" all the time. Continually shutting them down will cause huge resistance from our kids. The fact is, the more that we do that, and are not conscious or intentional about how we say no or decline, we get negative or unwanted behaviours from them.
Here are 8 creative ways to say "No" to your kids:
“Maybe we can do that some other time" or "We can’t do that now but maybe later!”
Kids can be demanding on what they want to do because that’s how kids are. Let’s say your kids want to go to the park right this instance. Instead of saying no, you can use say “Maybe we can do that some other time” so as not to shut them down or “Great idea. I'd love to. Let's plan that for another time because we're about to have dinner now” or “Maybe later. Let's put it on the list”.
2. “Let me show you how you can do it” and "What if you try this way?"
Instead of shutting kids down with “No, don’t do that! That's wrong.” or “Stop it, don’t do it, I’ll do it”. You can rephrase that and say “Let me show you how to do it” when your child is trying and struggling.
3. “Let's try something else instead" or "That’s not what we’ve talked about”.
There are instances when you go somewhere with your kids, like the supermarket and they’re picking up stuff off the shelves. Frustrating! We automatically go into "No! Stop!" mode. Instead, say “Hey, that’s not what we’ve talked about”. Also, "Let's try counting the apples/tins" or similar.
4. “I know you want to do that, but it’s dangerous”
Acknowledge what they are wanting, and give your child an option to think about what is right or wrong and make decisions.
5. “Let’s try something else instead.”
If your child is doing something inappropriate or not right for the situation or you want them to stop doing it, instead of saying “No, no, stop, stop, stop”, you can say “Let’s try something else instead. Glue the papers together, not your fingers."
6. “That's not a good idea. Can you tell me why?”
This phrase is flipping it back onto the child to kind of bring them into that problem-solving approach. It's that growth mindset of “Hey, do you think something could go wrong here? Do you think this is a bit dangerous?" If it's not really a great idea: "Can you tell me why?”
7. “I really understand you'd like to, but we just can't right now”
This statement is coming with huge empathy and understanding. It's giving your child a bit more of a two-way dialogue, and showing respect and boundaries too.
8. “That's not in our budget or We can't get it right now”
You can use this phrase when they keep nagging and saying “I want to, pleeease!”. Shutting them down immediately can have a huge negative impact on your kids. Over time this can even affect their "money-mindset" and cause them to live in scarcity mode.
A huge tip is: Welcome that resistance (i.e. complaining and whining) from your kids because it's going to happen! Allow it and reason with them. Don't just shut them down. Half of the work is being okay to let our kids down and to anticipate that resistance.
When we have the "oak tree" solid, centred mindset, and confidence in our parenting and decisions, it is a lot easier to deal with that continued resistance like the nagging. You don't need to answer every question. Welcome that resistance, they're not going to be happy about it for sure, but let them. It doesn't mean you’re a cold-hearted parent - you are showing them empathy and validating their feelings but staying in control.
Worried about how your kids will react?
You might have the fear of rejection or anger from your kids. It’s normal to feel guilty. Learn to let go of that guilt because it is imperative that you set limitations and boundaries too - you are doing something incredible and caring for your kids.
We do this because want to see our kids grow into a beautiful, kind, balanced, respectful adults.
What if I want to change my mind?
This is fine - we are allowed to have a change of heart! BUT... This must be done in the right way, or else your kids will learn how far to push until you give in. When this happens, go back to your child with a calm, confident, approach, and demeanour. It’s okay to change your mind but do it with that calm confident and in control mindset, never with a feeling of being pushed to the edge, giving in and them winning you over.
Spend time intentionally thinking about how you can use language and other ways to communicate, rather than striking them down with another "no!".
Reach out if you find yourself struggling to handle your kids' behaviour. Let me help you – contact me using the form below and I’ll tee up a time for us to have a free 30 min consult. Let’s do this together!