Do You Dread Setting Boundaries For Your Kids?
As parents we often ask ourselves, how do I set boundaries for my kids without feeling guilty and dealing with their inevitable disappointment?
Sometimes we struggle because we do not want to rock the boat and we dread the 'resistance' - complaining, whining, and general negative emotions.
It is critical that we set and maintain boundaries for our kids, and we can even do this while showing empathy.
Kids are experiential learners - they learn and evolve with every experience they have.
Resistance (complaining, whining) is so natural and logical. Our kids need to be able to go these tough emotions and these adversities in order to grow and develop into thoughtful, balanced, respectful adults.
These boundaries and adversities build resilience in our kids. Don't shy away from setting them!
So, how are we going to manage our kid’s strong emotions when we finally set firm boundaries?
Here is my Boundaries “Game Plan”.
Seven simple, practical steps underpinned by Emotional Intelligence, to navigate boundaries with your kids:
Acknowledge their emotions.
Empathise with what they’re feeling.
Utilise active/reflective listening.
Don’t rush their emotions.
Hold space for and allow your kids to release their feelings.
Stay firm in your boundaries.
Move on with the day!
Please do NOT forget step seven. It’s one of the most important. Don’t get caught in the trap of letting a tricky situation potentially ruin everyone’s day. No need for “Well we aren’t going for ice cream anymore because you argued with me this morning”. No, finish the interaction, repair if need be, and move on with your day.
I encourage all parents to really reflect on how they feel about doing this in the moment with their chidren. What feelings does it bring up for you? Dread? Concern? Where are those feelings coming from? It can be eye-opening to give yourself to wonder about how boundaries were implemented (or not) when you were a child. What rules did you have growing up, what happened when you broke those rules?
Parents I’ve worked with have either said '“well, nothing happened, so I was a rule breaker and just didn’t care”, or on the flip side, “I was never ever allowed to break a rule, and if I did I was punished severely”. Either way this can cause parents to struggle confidently setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them.
My last suggestion for parents delving into this at home, is to really understand how healthy the emotions of frustration and even anger are, from our child when a boundary has been set. What this is saying is simply “I really want it! I love the iPad. I can’t gve it up right now. I’m in the middle of a really important part. I can’t deal with this, it’s stressful, I don’t have the tools or skills to just stop and finish. It’s too hard for me. Help me get through this please” Of course they don’t SAY these words. But this is what their complaining and frustration is saying. Translate it. Allow it. Empathise. Stay firm. This is a gift to your children, it honestly is.
Let us know what you think in the comments below. How do you go setting boundaries with your child?
Reach out if you find yourself struggling with how to set limits and boundaries with your kids. Let me help you – contact me using the form below and I’ll tee up a time for us to have a free 30 min consult. Let’s do this together!