Building Kids’ Confidence
Oh I am such a huge advocate of building kids’ self-confidence. As an emotional intelligence specialist and parent (and former shy, timid petal) I know painfully well that rates of anxiety and depression are on the rise in today’s teens and young adults. There is growing pressure for kids to perform academically in the classroom (think those NAPLAN tests!) and even outside of school kids are being over-scheduled into extra-curricular activities (swimming, soccer, karate, netball, coding, dance, the list goes on!).
Think of self-confidence like the petals of a beautiful flower; the result of showering a plant with the water and sunlight it needs. If confidence is the petals, then competence is the stem that supports the plant. A sense of competence, or feeling capable of tackling tasks and challenges is a critical foundation of self-confidence.
Here I’ve listed four simple, practical ways you can start to intentionally grow your kids’ self-confidence. Let’s jump right in.
1. Celebrate mistakes!
Ok this sounds counter-intuitive, I know. But there’s method to the madness! Many kids are afraid to fail, even subconsciously. Aren’t we as adults? It’s hard to let yourself go and just be open to failure – we get it. For kids, we need to actively teach them that mistakes are just information on what not to do. Mistakes are fabulous. Amazing. Information that we can use to try a different, better way. When we make a mistake, show kids how easy it often is to: try again, take a different path, say sorry, and so on. Model as parents, as that’s one of the top ways kids learn – just by watching.
2. Let them be decision-makers in the family.
Do you have a culture of parents being the boss in the family? So many of us have this automatic parenting style where our actions demonstrate to kids that we know best, and they are just little, just kids, not yet valuable or worthy. Why is that? Think of the messages that sends to our kids. When do we start to move away from this perspective, and begin bringing them into the equation as valued, contributing members of the family? Well I say right now. No matter the age of your kids. 18 months or 18 years. Boost their confidence and self-worth by including them in making decisions, not only for themselves but the family too. Some examples are: what they will wear today, what they’ll take for lunch, what you’ll do as a family on Saturday night, where the family will go on holiday. If you give your children choices, which you vet first of course, then you really can’t go wrong. And what you’re really saying is, ‘I value you; you are important’.
3. Make time to set some Kid Goals.
What on earth are Kid Goals? Anything your son or daughter may want to achieve in a period of time. Something they can work towards. An item or experience that they would love to have or do. Maybe it’s saving up for an outfit to the school formal. Maybe it’s a game at the shops. It can be big or small – anything that gets them thinking of the future, planning and working towards it. It’s not just delaying gratification, but achieving a goal brings about a huge sense of pride and self-confidence. Why not sit down with your kids this weekend and write down 3 things (even you, Mum and Dad!) to achieve in the next few months or year and stick them on the fridge!
4. Let them eavesdrop on you!
Ok I admit this is a cheeky one. A little sneaky you might say. Eavesdropping is one of our kids’ best skills, right? Do you ever notice that when you’re talking to your partner or another adult about your kids, that their ears prick up? My family and I were in the car just a few weeks ago when conversation turned to my son’s new skateboard. He’d only had it a couple of weeks and wanted to spend every waking minute at the local skate ramp. My husband had taken him recently and was updating me on his skills. ‘He’s amazing, you should’ve been there. He went up and down big ramps, didn’t fall off once, and was as good as kids twice his age!’. Suddenly we’d noticed the kids in the backseat had gone silent. I turned around and my son was, without a word of a lie, absolutely beaming at us with the biggest, proudest smile on his face I’d ever seen. He’d overheard us speaking so highly of him, and we could see he was just on top of the moon! From that day, every few days when the opportunity arises, we speak highly of our kids when we know they are in earshot. The boost to their confidence when they hear us speaking about them (not to them) is immeasurable. Give it a try, it doesn’t have to be gushy or insincere, a few carefully chosen words will make a huge difference.
By Stephanie Pinto
Want more information? I would love to chat with you about really simple, practical strategies you can use with your kids to manage their emotional outbursts. Please feel free to get in touch by using my Contact Form below for a free chat!