When Your Child Has a Meltdown in Public

We can’t deny it... As parents, one thing that we would often love to avoid is having our kids’ meltdown in public! I hear you. Having other people watching us can be really stressful. 

When we are dealing with our kids during emotional moments, we definitely do not want several sets of eyes on us, watching and waiting for our next move on how we will manage things. It’s every parent’s nightmare! 

I’d love to share with you how I use emotional intelligence in not only my work but with my kids every day. It’s now my way of being, and although it comes naturally to me most of the time, I am certainly still human and have #fail days!!

Let me share an example of how I navigated a HUGE release of emotion (anger) from my almost 4 year old this week.

Here’s What Went Down:

My daughter Eve started her swimming lessons a few weeks ago. She’s not far off being 4 years old, a “threenager” they say. 

During the first lesson she had a great time. Similar with the second. But the third was a different story. She got quite upset and I did everything I could to keep myself calm, supportive and not get triggered into frustration or anger. Thank goodness she eventually did 3 laps with her teacher and came out smiling.

This week we were back for her 4th swimming lesson.

She was fine in the morning, and even in the car driving to the pool. But, when we arrived poolside to get undressed, things came unravelled pretty quickly.  She hid behind me for 10 minutes, and I let her stay by my side and acknowledged her feelings. I validated that she was nervous and afraid. I did not push her… Almost halfway through the lesson I was proud of keeping calm myself, but also problem solving how we would move on from this phase.

What Triggered the Meltdown:

Then, her teacher (who is absolutely lovely by the way!) suggested we just pop her in and she take Eve for a lap.

For some reason, I ignored my intuition. I knew putting Eve in the water now wouldn’t go down well. It never has in the past. And yet I agreed. I thought, “She is the teacher, the expert, maybe she knows better than me”. Big mistake!

Eve screamed and kicked in the water. The teacher was lovely but my heart punched itself as punishment. Of course.  Why would you even try? As soon as the lap was finished, she climbed out and ran to me screaming. And shouted “NO! NO!”. 

My heart dropped... and I knew from there it could have gone two ways. I could have let myself get really angry, I could have shouted at her, shamed her for wasting my time AND money. I could have taken it personally. I could have gotten into a power struggle and even forced her back into the pool. All to stop her crying and screaming in front of everyone. 

End result? Would have been a giant stress response for us both AND damaged our relationship. Potentially even cultivated a fear of swimming lessons on her, so that is 10 steps backwards!

How I Navigated Her BIG Emotions:

So instead, I took the emotion she ‘gave me’. I allowed, I accepted. I put myself and my own emotions aside. I let her release it all, despite looks from other parents. (There was a stage where I reminded her, with love, not to shout AT me - allowing emotions is balanced with healthy boundaries).

You see, our children's under-developed brain means they are struggling to handle their emotions, every single day. Their emotional regulation skills are just not there yet. We can’t punish or shame them for still developing this ability. 

Eventually she calmed, (it honestly took about 10 minutes of shouting) and she then told me “Mummy, I am so, so nervous”. That was my cue. 

Instead of taking over, pushing her to go back in the water with her teacher, I remained calm, held space and validated her emotions. We can practice waiting patiently and accepting their fear or nervousness, and let them release their emotions. As a parent, I listened to her yet still held boundaries around not letting her shout or scratch me. I encouraged her and supported her while doing problem solving at the end. This fosters trust between child and parent, a solid bond.  And on top of this, no fear of swimming lessons. 

I let her sit on me, all wet. I just stroked her hair and held her. When the lesson was over, the kids got out and I said (thinking it was a lost cause) “I wonder… if you could do a special lap all on your own with Miss Kelly?” To my surprise, and through her messy hair and snot and tears, she silently nodded. Who could’ve seen that coming?? Not me!

She gingerly climbed into her teacher’s arms in the water, and proceeded to spend a few quiet minutes swimming up and back with her and chatting. With a giant smile on her face! What a journey - for both of us.

So what I want to ask you is, how much of ourselves can we give our kids, when we are truly being our highest self?

I cannot tell you how empowering becoming an Emotionally Intelligent parent is. Not just for me. But for our kids. Every day, every interaction, we are shaping our kids’ understanding of the world. And when we raise emotionally intelligent kids, they evolve into emotionally intelligent parents, and so the cycle continues. 

We cannot underestimate this!

Thank you Eve, for teaching me about myself, my limitations, my habits and patterns, my behaviours, my gaps, and my weaknesses… but also my limitless love. Parenting is not always easy but with emotional intelligence in our toolkit we can wake up every day and begin again with love, empathy and understanding.

If you are struggling to support your kids during meltdowns, PLEASE reach out! You are not alone. Let’s do this together.