Managing Anger in Kids (and Ourselves!)
Usually, when we hear the word ANGER, it causes a stress response ‘under the surface’ straight away. It can be so tough when our kids become angry and have tantrums or meltdowns. Please know that it is not uncommon when kids demonstrate these behaviours because of their developing ability to express their emotions.
Children's brains are still WAY under construction. At their age, they lack complex language, self-awareness and impulse-control skills (amongst others) which are critical for managing emotions such as anger.
I’ve worked with many parents looking for advice on how to defuse their kids’ big angry moments. It is imperative that parents acknowledge and understand this emotion first hand. Not just for our kids, but even for ourselves so that we can know how to manage our own anger and frustration. Being angry actually has some (hidden) benefits...
ANGER: THE EMOTION
What kind of emotion is anger? What is causing this emotion? Where is it coming from?
These are just some of the questions that we may find we ask ourselves.
This is a huge topic and it can be uncomfortable for some, but if we don’t understand the foundation of how to manage our own frustration and anger and in our kids, we will not be able to navigate this emotion and find practical ways to defuse this feeling.
Let’s start with understanding emotion. Remember, “E-motion” is “Energy in Motion”. Emotions are not silly or fluffy, they are highly intelligent assessments of our inner, personal functioning. We need to treat emotions as highly valuable data or information that can teach us something. This is the same with anger.
Anger as an emotion, is a feeling of injustice towards ourselves or to others that we care about. If there’s something unfair that happened, we may become frustrated and build up until we feel angry.
IS ANGER A “BAD” EMOTION?
Unfortunately the traditional, old paradigm of emotions is still around… it says that anger is a bad, negative emotion that is unacceptable or inappropriate. Many people still view anger as a bad feeling that should not be tolerated: we don’t want to see it and it’s uncomfortable for us.
This is so detrimental! When our kids are angry and frustrated, we actually believe they’re being naughty or bad. We want to stop them from expressing that and ‘shush’ them so they can move on from feeling that way, quickly.
To be honest, this is often because this is also how we were parented when we were young. We unconsciously parent the same way, and react how our parents reacted to anger. We hid it, we squashed it down, without realising that this emotion is completely normal.
A PARADIGM SHIFT ON UNDERSTANDING ANGER
We absolutely must make a paradigm (belief) shift on how we should look at anger.
It is not a negative emotion. Yes, it’s unpleasant but it’s completely okay to feel this way and we have to acknowledge and embrace that. It’s normal! We just need to be cautious of how we (and our kids) are expressing that emotion. Remember: the emotion is OKAY, but not all behaviour is appropriate.
When we recall the iceberg concept of behaviour, we know that there is always something underlying each emotion. We need to be looking at what that is, for our kids when they are displaying anger. I always say - we must be looking at what’s underneath, not just above the surface or with a superficial lens!
So how might anger be beneficial??
When our kids express their anger, it can allow them to take the opportunity to embrace and own their individuality, use their voice to be heard, and make a stand in this world! This can make them great leaders, with confidence and resilience!
Here’s how expressing anger can be really beneficial:
Anger helps set our boundaries.
If you are angry about something, this is because a boundary has been crossed or something unfair has happened. Listen to this, what is it telling you?
Anger helps you protect your sense of self and individuality.
Without enough anger, we will tend to give up our position and individuality as people. If we don’t express our anger, and just hide it, it builds up inside and may cause resentment or anxiety. While too much anger, means we can continually infringe on the rights of others and offend other people.
THE 3 LEVELS OF ANGER
There are three emotional types or intensity of anger. Each shows how we can react in a situation, and helps us and our kids understand it much better.
Low Intensity – when we felt this level of anger, we may feel irritated, annoyed, impatient, displeased or cranky.
Middle Intensity – we may feel aggravated, inflamed or resentful.
High Intensity – feeling aggressive, appalled, seething, vengeful, hostile, or irate.
Understanding where your anger or rage is coming from is so powerful. Even with our kids, we must look deeper and understand what’s beneath the ‘angry behaviour’.
Here are some questions you can use to delve deeper into what is causing anger (in yourself or your kids):
What is important to me (or my child) here?
What must be protected here? Is there a boundary (for me or my child) that has been crossed?
What needs to be restored here? (Such as restoring balance, or fairness in a situation).
These are excellent questions to unpack anger and start finding ways to solve whatever issue has come up. And during a moment of big emotions from our kids, we can ask these questions too, whilst holding space for them, allowing these emotions to come up to the surface, and be released in a healthy way. NOT squashed down.
If you find it difficult to manage your frustration, trigger or anger as a parent, reach out! If you are worried about how to support your child’s big emotions, I would also love to chat with you to see how I can help. Let’s do this together!