Three things to NOT say to anxious kids… and what you can say instead.

Parents of anxious children often struggle to know what to say to their child when they’re in tough situations. I have worked with many parents and their anxious children over the past few years, and let me tell you, there are some really easy ‘traps’ that parents fall into.

I want to preface this article with accepting that even I – a paediatric anxiety therapist has said some of these things in the past to my own kids, and probably way more than once! So I really understand that we often say these things without meaning, and without full awareness of the potential impacts onto our anxious child.

Let’s take a look at three common types of phrases parents say to their sensitive or anxious child, and what they could say instead.

1.     Oh don’t worry! You’re okay! It’s fine!

Ok I really do appreciate how common these first few statements are, and I have even said them myself on several occasions. So, no judgement here, just awareness and compassion. To a non-anxious child, this may not be a huge deal (although I generally advise parents not to be dismissive of children’s emotions anyway!). However, to a sensitive or anxious child, it’s invalidating how they feel. Telling our child that they’re okay, and things are fine, is directly contradicting how they perceive the situation. Imagine how this feels? Has someone ever said to you, “Don’t worry. It’s just work. It’ll be fine.” And you are fuming inside because of the awful thing your colleague did to you that day? Same thing. In this anxious, stressful moment, our child IS worried, they aren’t okay, they aren’t fine… so try not to say that! We all need to feel heard, seen and understood.

2.     No-one else is acting like this. Why are you behaving this way? Everyone else is having fun/getting in the pool/joining in with the game! 

These types of statements are invalidating, but also include an element of shaming our child’s perception of their experience. In comparing how a child is acting with other children is to essentially tell them how they are behaving is less than desirable and needs to be more like others. It is encouraging our child to look outside of themselves; to be more like others and ignore their own feelings. To do this they need to squash down their emotions and simply fit in. No need to explain why this is dangerous territory, especially for the older kids and teen years. We can let go of the desire to encourage our child to be brave like those around them, and connect with the child right in front of us.

3.     You should be excited! I know you are brave! Don’t be nervous!

When we prescribe how our child should feel, we are layering expectations on them that they simply don’t need. I know these phrases come from a good place in parents’ hearts – so show yourself some compassion here. Imagine a big upcoming presentation you are to make to your whole team at work; the nerves, the worry, the thoughts of ‘What if they hate it?!’ And to have your partner tell you ‘You’ll smash it. Don’t be nervous. You have nothing to worry about’. Kind, but unhelpful. Your nerves don’t go away, do they? It would be much more supportive and helpful to hear them say ‘Oh this is a big thing for you – no wonder you’re anxious. Well, I’m here to help. Want to run through it with me?’ Our children are the same – they need to feel heard. We can offer our presence, our warmth, and our support. Simply having something there can make all the difference.

So, what can we say instead?

My first piece of advice to parents it to neutralise your energy around the situation. Let go of the frustration you may feel, let go of any desire to ‘fix’ the situation too. Much of the time, offering your presence and witnessing your child in their completeness is powerful enough.

Secondly, a more supportive way to respond to a child – who clearly isn’t okay – is to validate and empathise with their feelings in the moment. Let go of the fact that you may not agree with their perception on the situation. You’re allowed to see things differently! You can do this and still accept your child’s emotional charge.

Here are some other phrases you can say instead (note how short and simple they can be):

“I see you’re upset.”

“Oh you seem nervous/shy/worried. I know.”

“You look really worried. That’s okay. Sometimes I feel worried too.”

“You seem a bit unsure here. Are you nervous?”

“You’re not ready to go in are you? That’s ok.”

“I get you’re anxious about the test. I was too when I was your age.”

Last note…

To address some parents’ concerns about making things worse when validating or accepting their child’s feelings… You will not. At all. Trust me. By understanding and making your child feel heard, you take the pressure off. They feel safe with you, because you ‘believe’ that they are genuinely having a hard time. You don’t need to agree with their perception – you may be at preschool and know how safe and friendly is it – but you can accept your child’s perception, even though it differs from yours. When a child feels safe in your presence, they will trust you when you encourage them to take a first little step into the unknown.

Need help? I’m a paediatric anxiety therapist and Emotional Intelligence parent coach so either reach out and get in touch, or head to my YouTube channel for short, powerful videos on this and more.