The Power of Conscious Language in Parenting.
Are you aware of how powerful your language is? The language you use with those around you in day to day conversations is tremendously important. But even more critical, is the language you use with yourself - your thoughts. Many parents do not realise the importance of their language and thinking. I know this is the speech pathologist in me coming out! I love language, and I love how transformative it can be.
Let’s zoom in on our language with our child first. Are you aware of how you truly speak to your child each day? Surprisingly, most of us aren’t.
We are ‘unconscious’ about our language, and particularly its impact on our child. We are often so busy, our days are filled with a million things to do, and our spoken language has become virtually automatic since we were just a couple of years old. With our kids, we tend to say things like “Oh hurry up, you’re moving too slow!” or “Urgh, seriously! Why would you do that?” and “How did you not see that happening? Come on, go get a towel and clean it up”. The words in our head come straight out, unfiltered.
Take some time to reflect on how these messages may be received by your child. Step into their small (or not so small!) shoes. Their still-growing reasoning and limited perspective restricts them to interpret our words. They aren’t able to give us the benefit of the doubt when we’re having a stressful day. They don’t realise we splash our frustrations out on them by accident. They don’t consider that we are imperfect beings too, and that we often don’t really mean what we say.
Our children’s subconscious mind simply absorbs and accepts much of what we say (and do) without question.
In the words of Desmond Tutu,
“Language is very powerful. Language does not just describe reality. Language creates the reality it describes.”
The words we say to ourselves matter a great deal.
The words we use with others are first born as our thoughts so, knowing this, we must become much more conscious of our thoughts.
What thoughts are you allowing to sit in your conscious mind? What phrases, comments and commands are passing through your mind each day? If you are not aware, you are leaving yourself open to some very dangerous habits.
Know that your subconscious mind is always listening. If you feed it words like “idiot!” when you make a mistake, this is what your subconscious mind is hearing. Same with fleeting thoughts to yourself such as “Oh come on, stupid”, “Such a loser”, “Of course that failed. I’m such a fail”. These are the seeds you are planting!
Every time you make an error and say things like this (aloud or otherwise), you are reinforcing that message: I’m stupid, I’m no good… and so on.
You may think you are just being light-hearted, or ‘know’ that you don’t really believe those things, but without fail your subconscious brain is absorbing these messages without you even knowing.
I can’t stress how important it is to monitor your thoughts, raise your awareness of them, and become strict with feeding your mind only the best kinds of nutrition - positive, affirming, realistic, authentic messages. (This means that if you are feeling upset or made a frustrating error, you acknowledge that - toxic positivity is no help to anyone!).
So, if you are sending yourself negative, small yet powerful messages like this every day, guess what messages you will likely be sending to your children? Ok, possibly not ‘idiot!’ but potentially words that hit with just as much strength: “No no stop! Ugh, don’t do that! What’s wrong with you? You know better! No, not good enough. Try harder. I know you know how to do it, I’m not helping. Why do I have to say the same thing five times, are your ears not working??” Essentially you are watering their garden with the same hose.
As I mentioned before, children do not have the sophisticated brain wiring, perspective or life experience to filter what we say. Nope, it just sinks straight in - to their subconscious. If reading this makes you uncomfortable, I am totally here with you! There have been many times I have said things in the heat of the moment to my kids that I regret. We are beautifully human, and all we must do is set the intention, and take action (no matter how small) to improve ourselves every single day.
How exactly can we be more conscious with our language?
Simply start first with yourself - raising your self-awareness of your patterns. This is true for raising emotionally intelligent kids, and true for improving the consciousness of your language too.
Begin with your own mind, your own body, your own heart. Take stock of some of the things you know you tend to blurt out - whether it’s your thoughts or aloud. Are they positive and helpful, or negative and unhelpful? After some reflection I know you will come up with some phrases or words that you realise you tend to say (or think) a lot.
Above I have mentioned some examples, but below is a list of some more common negative and unhelpful phrases people say:
Seriously??
Why me!
This always happens. Every single time.
I can never catch a break.
It’s like the universe is out to get me.
No wonder. I always do this.
Things never change.
Why do I even bother?
Of course. No-one else deals with this, just me.
I never do anything right.
No-one cares.
Whatever. I may as well give up.
You can see how, in the context we are talking about, these phrases are incredibly defeating, unhelpful, and are likely to snowball. Thoughts create reality, remember. Our thoughts can literally reinforce and solidify how frustrated, let down, or unhappy we’re feeling. Thinking and saying these types of comments encourages us to feel worse about ourselves and the situation in front of us, making us stay in the pit rather than moving forward and finding a way out.
Start to become much more aware of your thoughts. Then stop them in their tracks. Freeze them. You and only you have the power over what you think and say - so start being in charge.
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