Does your child feel nervous or anxious when they are in a new situation? You might notice they seem to be reserved, clingy or shy, or even downright refuse to participate or speak. Stressful for everyone involved isn’t it?

As a paediatric anxiety therapist, Emotional Intelligence coach, and mum of two, I want to share one of my recent experiences with you in the hopes that it gives you some direction and strategies for your own family.

My 4-year-old is not diagnosed with anxiety, but recently has been becoming quite anxious at the beginning of her swimming lessons and I want to show you how I “captained our ship” through the last few months! This is quite common 4 year old behaviour.

Eve is four and a half, and just before we went into a 4-month lockdown (where school, swimming, and general outings were stopped) she already had some nervousness with her swimming lessons.

She had a lovely first teacher who she really resonated with, really loved, and got along well with, Miss Kelly. I could see she felt really safe. But, unfortunately, that first teacher moved on and for a period of time, we had another teacher. What I thought was a short-term substitute teacher.

He was a gentleman and of course, had different mannerisms and different personality. He did not have the warm, chatty, caring attitude that the previous teacher did. I knew straight away that Eve picked up on this difference too.

We must remember that our children are highly intuitive and energetic - meaning they sense people’s energy and way of being, more so than we do as adults. Think about times you have been in a new place, perhaps at work, and sensed in a group of people just by looking and feeling, who you’d talk to and who you’d avoid. We get a feeling in situations. We pick up on people’s energy. Our kids do this too, and we can’t ignore it or squash it.

So, Eve who is usually relaxed, chatty, confident, and outgoing, started to become very nervous, to the point of resisting going to the lesson. Sometimes we would get to the pool and then she would refuse to get in. Against my better judgement I gave her to the teacher, who she didn’t yet trust or feel comfortable with, and BOOM, meltdown. Why did I do that? The pressure of other parents nearby, the pressure from the teacher to hand her over and he will deal with it. Argh, I am still so human.

We gave it 5 weeks with this new teacher, as I know that simply cancelling straight away would be ‘allowing avoidance’. When we do this, we remove our child from the place or situation that makes them anxious, thereby teaching them this place is not safe, or they are only safe if a parent is here. It also shapes a child’s mentality of quitting or removing themselves when they come up against a tough situation. We cannot do this! It exacerbates anxiety.

So the old me would have pushed her to do the lesson with the new teacher regardless of how Eve felt. I would have thought, don’t give in, persist with her. She will wear down eventually. We'll keep trying …

I might have also said things like, “You're been silly”, “You’ll be fine”, “He is nice”, “He's just new, come on get in the pool”. All of this would have added to my daughter’s anxiety because she would have received the message of ‘Mum doesn't care, she doesn’t get it”. When we are dismissive like this, it also teaches our children to ignore and suppress their own emotions and intuition. This is dangerous as we need our children to be able to trust their gut feeling and listen to what their emotions are telling them about people.

Instead, what I did instead was just give her the space and the time to be anxious. To feel uncomfortable, and uneasy. I didn’t try to squash her feelings down. I did not push her to get in and to just deal with it. We know that this will just push a child backward in terms of their level of comfort and security and feeling confident in situations.

This is not something many of us grew up with. Being at peace with uncomfortable child’s emotions and accepting them. I invite you as a parent to really become okay with your child's emotions and let them show these feelings. It's their perception of what's going on. We cannot argue with it! What we need to do in these situations is acknowledge our child’s emotions. Just hear them, validate them. Especially in a new situation.

As I mentioned, we gave it 5 weeks and saw no improvement, despite using all my training and knowledge on anxiety. It was then that I decided not to continue in that particular class - not to give up swimming all together - but to move to another time and day, with a new teacher.

In a nutshell, the new teacher showed Eve all the cues of warmth and safety that she needed. It took 3 weeks for Eve to settle, and we even went backward for a couple of those lessons, but with the teacher’s help and my efforts with Eve, she was able to trust her and feel truly comfortable.

Our new teacher’s energy, vibe, personality, and tone of voice all let Eve feel safe and relaxed. What’s more, I had spoken to Eve during the week, rather than leaving it to the day of her swimming lesson, to talk about our plan of what we could do to try getting in the pool calmly. We talked about so many options like watching the lesson, sitting next to the pool with me, on the edge dangling her legs in, or doing 1 lap with the teacher. We worked together and I know she felt understood, heard, respected, and not rushed.

Fast forward to last week; she completed her whole lesson with a giant smile on her face! I was so proud, and so was Eve. We both had the awareness that we had made it over the hump and she could enjoy her lessons now.

It is so important not to squash down our child’s experience or emotions. We cannot say: I know better than you. Listen to me. Don't listen to your emotions, just do what I say. What is that teaching our kids? To ignore and squash down their feelings and intuition?

If we want our children to have a sense of intuition, listen to what their emotions are telling them, and respect and value them, we need to cultivate these skills now!

So when they feel a sense of anxiety or unease, we can accept that. It doesn't mean we completely avoid any anxiety-provoking situation because that’s allowing avoidance which perpetuates anxiety. We do not have to let all our boundaries fall, we do not need to allow our children to call the shots, but we can work with them to understand their emotions and problem-solve how to approach nervous situations.

Using emotional intelligence is so empowering and transformative!

I invite you to delve into the power and strength of using Emotional Intelligence in your family. If we want our kids to grow up with resilience, confidence, emotional self-awareness, to be able to control their behavior impulses, this needs to be our approach.

If my story has resonated with you and if you took something away from it I would love for you to let me know. Please also get in touch and have a conversation about how we can make this happen in your family.

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Supporting your Child in Anxious or New Situations.

Stephanie Pinto

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