My Child is Hitting! What Can I Do?

If you’ve noticed your little darling has all of a sudden started hitting you, their siblings, or others, you’re in the right place! Don’t freak out. If your child has been using hitting for a while now, you’re still in the right place. In this article, I will explain how parents can use emotionally intelligent parenting techniques to support their child through this period.

I’m going to jump straight in. The first thing we must do, even before we decide to interject or sort out the problem, is do our absolute best to come from a place of understanding, calm, and compassion, and overcome this trigger! This is almost Emotional Intelligence 101. Emotional self-awareness and self-control!

I know, I know. You’re thinking “Are you serious, how do I not lose my sh** when my child hits another?!” Yes, I hear you. It is initially really difficult. Why? Because most of us were not calmly dealt with as a child when we lashed out. Most of us were shouted at, reprimanded, or worse. We might have been smacked, shamed, or sent to time out. Parents must not underestimate the heavy imprint this leaves on their own subconscious. 

Many of us have been programmed in such a way that we see hitting as reprehensible, unforgivable. Even emotions like anger have had a bad rap for far too long. For many parents, they experienced those harsh consequences over and over when they slipped up and let their emotions take over. Scientists have shown that even though we may not consciously remember these experiences, at a cellular level, those imprints are still well and truly visible.

This habit (yes it’s a habit, meaning we can break it!) simply requires undoing. Ok, it’s not simple, but when you have a coach, a mentor that can show you the way, it really becomes so much easier. All I can say is, we need to be doing this work not just for ourselves and our own stress levels, but for our child’s sake. Unlearning what we were taught as kids. Recoding our programming. The power is in no-one else’s hands but YOURS. This is your first step - to overcome your triggers when you see your child hit another.

Next, I want you to understand your child is doing the best they can, with the brain they have. What does that mean? In a nutshell - your child’s brain is the executive of their body. Its capabilities allow (or prevent) them from controlling their impulses, adjusting their behaviour, thinking flexibly, considering others’ thoughts and needs, and regulating their emotions. Unfortunately for our kids, their brain is heavily “under construction”. Unless they’re in their mid-20s (seriously!), their brain is not fully developed. Oh, so you have a 5-year-old? Ok. Doesn’t this explain a LOT?

Don’t get me wrong, we still need to hold our boundaries. We simply must deeply understand our child is lashing out and releasing their frustration or anger in a way in which their brain currently allows. It doesn’t feel good. They aren’t enjoying it. If they could have used a better strategy in that moment, they would have.

Lastly, become your child’s circuit breaker and their emotion coach. I love talking to parents I coach about the mindset of being their child’s mentor. Your child needs you scripting what they CAN do and say. They need you to jump in and change the track they’re stuck on. “Whoa, pause! I’m going to jump in here and help you stop. I know you’re angry that he took your textas, but I won’t let you hit him. Come and let’s work this out.” No need to shout, shame, or blame. 

We must approach with compassion and understanding, and guide our child to what they can do instead. Problem-solving with them, not for them is key. This is where the growth mindset begins; when we work out what else they can do in those emotionally charged moments to fix what’s gone wrong. “If he isn’t listening, you can ask me or another adult.” “Maybe next time he comes to play we pack away your favourite things so they don’t get damaged.” “What can you do now to get things back on track, I think we need to say something to her to check if she’s okay”.

Emotionally intelligent parenting combines strong emotional awareness and acceptance with healthy boundaries. We want our children to become kind, empathetic, resilient, and successful humans, and this is where we begin.

Are you struggling to deal with your emotions when your child lashes out at another, or at you? You might be wondering how to manage the hitting behaviour in your child and help teach them why this isn’t okay. If this is you, reach out - it’s what I’m here for and what I love to do.