Should you leave or stay with your child during a meltdown?
Parents struggle with this all over the world… it’s a universal challenge that comes with parenting! When your child is experiencing a meltdown or having difficulty dealing with something, it can be so stressful for you and your child! In these moments, it's important (but not always easy!) for parents to know what to do to support their child.
So, what do I do when my child is having a meltdown?
I usually encourage parents to stay with or near their child where possible. This maintains the connection between you and your child, and lets them know that you accept them unconditionally. But there are important exceptions… let’s break it down.
By providing this physical and emotional support, you can help your child feel safe and secure, which can make it easier for them to regulate their emotions and behaviours. You can also offer reassurance and validation by telling your child that their emotions are okay, and that you will be there to support them no matter what.
It's like saying “There’s nothing you can do and no amount of anger or tears that will push me away. I am here. All parts of you are welcome here.”
What if my child tells me to leave when they’re upset?
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However, it becomes tricky when your child is in the midst of a meltdown or is struggling to cope with a difficult situation, they may say or do things that are hurtful or confusing to you. It's common for children in distress to lash out at their parents or others around them, and they may use words or phrases that sound exactly like they want us to leave them—for example, "Get out!" or "Go away" and "Leave me alone!"
This can be so difficult to hear as these words pull on your heartstrings. In these moments, it's important for parents to remember that words and phrases they use are not necessarily a reflection of how they truly feel, but rather a reflection of their emotional distress.
My aim is not to tell you what to do with your child; rather, it's to help you make informed decisions for you and your child in each moment because there is no one-size-fits-all approach that works for every child and every situation.
One important thing to consider is what’s happening during these heated moments: Your child’s brain and nervous system is dysregulated. They cannot properly manage their emotions or control their behaviour because the logical, rational part of their brain is offline. As a parent, it is critical to notice dysregulation in your child and to take steps to help them calm down and regulate their emotions. They are not making sound decisions, so you have to.
The case to stay with your child:
There is research that has shown that many adults who have reflected on their own experiences of using such phrases like, “Get out!” as kids, did not truly want their parents to leave. They were simply expressing their emotions (usually anger) in the only way they knew how.
Photo by Michał Parzuchowski on Unsplash
In many cases, when a parent leaves their child during a meltdown or difficult situation, the child may feel abandoned or rejected. Additionally, leaving a child during a difficult situation can damage the parent-child relationship, as it can make the child feel unsupported and unloved.
When a parent pops in and out during a child's meltdown or difficult situation, it can be confusing and unsettling for the child. This can send the message that the parent is not fully committed to supporting the child, and that they are only willing to tolerate the child's emotions and behaviours in small doses.
One mum I worked with reflected on how she was always scared and always wanted her mum to stay. When parents are frequently coming and going, it can be confusing and unsettling for a child, and they may interpret this as a lack of commitment or interest on their parents' part. It's important for parents to be present and supportive of their children, and to make sure they are providing a stable and nurturing environment for them to grow and thrive. One adult mentioned “I was completely unable to communicate my actual needs when they were having meltdowns.
Can I leave when my child is having a meltdown?
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There may be times when it’s necessary to temporarily separate from your child. A big one is that you find yourself so distressed and unable to handle the situation, or are worried you’ll do or say something you regret (you are human, of course!). When you feel you’re reaching your limit, it’s okay to leave your child (provided they’re in a safe place) for a few minutes to get grounded.
Boundaries are the limits that we set for ourselves and others in order to maintain our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. You are respecting your child's boundaries and showing them you’re committed to supporting them in the ways they ask. It can also show your child that their feelings and needs are valid.
When you stay against their request (e.g. if they’ve said “Leave me alone!”), it can actually come across as imposing control over your child and taking away their autonomy. A meltdown is a period of intense emotional distress, and when parents try to impose their will on a child during an outburst, it can make the child feel even more helpless and out of control.
Potentially, when you stay nearby after being asked to go away, you risk further triggering your child. It is important for you to strike a balance between providing guidance and support for your child, while also allowing them the freedom to express their emotions.
In dealing with heated, stressful moments in your family, make your own decisions on a case-by-case basis, taking into account the specific needs and circumstances of your child.
What to do when my child is melting down: 4 powerful tips.
Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash
Use reassuring and validating language. We love Instagram’s psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy's advice, she suggests saying something like, "I know you’re a good kid having a hard time." This type of language can help your child to feel understood and accepted, and can provide reassurance that you are there to support them.
In my parent coaching sessions, I encourage parents to take on the strength of an oak tree and become a sturdy presence during stormy times. Your child is looking for a compassionate, confident leader and that is YOU.
A child who is calm and regulated is better able to convey their true needs and to communicate with you in a coherent way. Use calmer moments to ask your child about the situation and to listen carefully to what they have to say. By doing this, you can gain a better understanding of your child's perspective and can tailor your support and guidance to their specific needs .
Make sure to reconnect as soon as possible. Re-establishing the connection with your child will also provide them with a sense of safety and security. In my parent coaching practice, this is undoubtedly a powerful strategy for connection and growth.
Do you struggle with your child’s tantrums or meltdowns? If you want support to know how to handle these moments, how to reduce or sometimes avoid them, reach out. I coach parents all across the world to better manage big emotions and challenging behaviours, using the power of emotional intelligence.
Fill in the contact form here and we can book a time to chat about parent coaching and my programs.