Beneath the Surface: Understanding and Navigating Your Child's Behaviour.

Have you ever found yourself feeling frustrated, stressed, and confused by your child's behaviour? I know I have.

As a mum of two, I've been there. The tantrums, the attitude, the hurtful words – it can be hard to understand why our kids act the way they do. But what if I told you that by shifting our perspective and understanding the way our children's brains work, we can not only ease our own stress levels but also improve our ability to connect and communicate with them in those challenging moments?

Many of us were raised with an outdated understanding or the traditional view and we often fall into the trap of thinking that our child's behaviour is intentional and sometimes even manipulative. We see it as our kids pushing our buttons and think they should know better. But, in reality, this couldn't be further from the truth. 

You see, when our kids are behaving well and cooperating, doing what they're supposed to be doing, it's because they're in a "green zone" state. Here, no challenges are getting in their way. They can be flexible, manage their emotions, resolve conflict and so on. And when the opposite is happening, something’s getting in the way.

Remember, when your child’s behaviour isn’t meeting your expectations, there's always a reason behind it.


This is where emotionally intelligent parenting comes in – looking beneath the iceberg. We need to look for the root cause of their challenging behaviour. By delving into the brain development and science behind our child's emotions and behaviour, we can start to shift our perspective and begin to understand and connect with our children in a deeper way.


I have compiled a list of 14 common roadblocks that could be causing your child to act out.  I invite you to take a moment to reflect on what resonates with you and consider how you can apply this understanding when dealing with your child. 

Let's dive into some possible factors that might be hindering your child from cooperating or behaving well.

1. Emotions run high in kids, making it tough for them to be flexible and responsive. Whether they're still feeling the aftermath of an argument or struggling with morning routines, it's important to be patient and understanding as they work through it. Remember, a small hiccup earlier in the day can throw off their whole day and make them react to small things unexpectedly.

2. Hunger definitely also plays a role. When blood sugar drops they become cranky and uncooperative. Just like flipping a switch, feeding them can change their mood instantly.

3. Being tired certainly affects their behaviour. A child with low energy can’t be as patient or flexible, or easily comply with our requests. This happens to all of us!

4. Your child may be getting sick so you’ll see a change in their behaviour a couple of days before they come down with a cold or virus.

5. They may struggle with impulse control. It's common for kids due to their underdeveloped brain to have difficulty resisting the pull to do or say something without thought.

6. They may also have trouble with flexible thinking. This cognitive skill allows children to shift gear with what they’re doing and also when plans change.

7. Mastering the art of emotional regulation takes years. It's crucial to remember that emotional regulation or the ability to handle frustration and disappointment are skills that take time to develop. It's not fair to hold them fully responsible for not having these skills fully mastered yet. As parents, it's essential to approach the situation with patience, empathy, and understanding that these are normal developmental milestones that our children are going through.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

8. Developing empathy – considering others' feelings – is a lifelong journey and our little ones are still on the path of learning it. Kids are naturally egocentric, seeing themselves as the centre of their own world, so it's age-appropriate for them to struggle with putting themselves in others' shoes.

9. They may be feeling disconnected from a parent or caregiver due to a period of time spent apart. This lack of bonding connection definitely affects their behaviour and mood, making them less flexible, giving, polite, and more irritable.

10. They may be feeling nervous or anxious about something coming up, such as a big recital on the weekend. This can manifest as irritable or cranky behaviour throughout the week.

11. Changes in surroundings or other significant events in their life can affect their behaviour in ways we may not see. It's crucial to keep an open line of communication and try to understand what's going on for them, even if it takes a bit of digging. Getting a new sibling or starting a new school can be overwhelming and our kids may need extra support and reassurance as they navigate through it all.

12. Our kids may be facing friendship troubles that we are unaware of. This can manifest in them coming home in a bad mood or behaving rudely towards us or their siblings. Their behaviour may be unrelated to us and instead related to a friendship issue they're dealing with.

13. Struggles at school or with learning can also contribute to our kids' moodiness. If they're having trouble understanding something in the classroom, it can cause them to worry and feel confused.

14. Lastly, our kids may be feeling unimportant or unseen. This can happen when a parent is busy, away, or there is a new sibling in the family, and they might feel like they're not getting the time and attention they need. This can make them feel like they don't belong and aren't valued.

When it comes to our kids, it's important to remember that their behaviour is constantly shifting and fluctuating, just like our own. So next time your child's behaviour has you scratching your head, take a step back and look beneath the surface. What might be getting in their way? How can we support and help them in this situation? Do they need more time, a slower pace, playfulness, or an understanding of the reasons behind certain actions?


Remember that they're just little humans doing their best.


If you're looking for more tips and advice on emotionally intelligent parenting, come join our community on Facebook called: Let’s Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids! I'll be running free and low-cost online workshops and masterclasses throughout the year. So head to my website for more info and let's work together to raise emotionally intelligent kids.

Stephanie Pinto2 Comments