How to Build Resilience in our Kids During Difficult Times.

How we can help our kids manage their big emotions when they lose someone close to them? What will support their resilience in this difficult times?

I spoke to Maria Alessi today about GRIEF.

Marie Alessi experienced grief after losing her husband and left her with two young kids. She started her Facebook community called Loving Life After Loss. Here she supports and shares information and tips and strategies for people who are obviously finding how to navigate life after losing someone they love. She has actually found an incredible strength within herself.

The pain of losing someone can be overwhelming, so many emotions are overflowing in times of grief but this is an important step to accept the whole situation. It is okay to experience this emotion when we lose someone we love.

However, we the parents, and our kids don’t have to go through any big type of trauma or massive difficulty in order not to feel resilient or confident and not handle our emotions.

So here are some really great ways that we can help our kids get through grief, or tough times or at least lessen the pain they are going through:

We need to teach our kids that any and all emotion is okay. Teach your kids that fear, concern worry, anxiety, even rage, they are okay. Emotions come and go and they happen to everyone.

All emotions should not be something to be pushed down or ignored or squashed or not spoken about. Because one, we want to take away that stigma that you've got to be brave and tough and happy all the time.

Teach our kids that we are modeling to them every time on how we're coping with our frustrations, our stress and our triggers. We, parents, can model those emotions ourselves. Through seeing how we're coping, and how we're modeling out our coping strategies to our kids. That's the best way kids learn.

It is truly best to explain to your kids what happened and why they might be struggling to cope when they lose someone. At some point, there is beauty to this where you can collect yourself and go and explain it to your kids. Put that story behind what happened and, teach your kids that it is okay to experience sorrow or pain and even cry in times of grief. You need to get that emotion out and show it to them.

It is better to explain your ways of coping with loss. And you can say to your kids things such as “I was not okay then. Now I'm okay, we can talk about this stuff that happens. We're talking about

it, we're not squashing it down. We're going to move on. It was scary, but that's what I needed to do to get it out. I'm still here for you. And I love you guys”.

Emotions are energy in motion in our bodies and we must be able to release that somehow... by talking, communicating, sharing or even melting down. Allowing it.

So when Marie told me that this is what she had done, she said the very next morning her older son did exactly the same thing. He had a massive meltdown, let it all out, and it was confronting. Why? He was able to do that because he saw that's how his mum coped, and that's okay that she did that. He knew, "I won't get in trouble. I need to let it out when I've been bottling up and then things will get a little bit better".

We need to allow our kids to be able to talk about it. Open up the conversation.  Help them build that emotional vocabulary where they have more than just happy, sad, or angry. I have a beautifully coloured emotion wheel that allows me to teach my kids to identify their emotions and prompts them to have a conversation around how they are feeling. Why they feel this way, and what they can do about it.

Like I said - all emotions are OKAY. How our kids deal with them or let them out, may not be. So that's where we set the limits and boundaries.

Setting boundaries and limits to our kids is like we are doing them a favour where we are helping them grow into balanced adults if we set these limits of what's appropriate and not, and it says to them, “ I love you, and I care about you enough that I'm going to put these limits in place to help you grow”.

So the main things that came out of the interview for me was:

“Keep the lines of communication open with your kids. Connect with them. Even if your kids seem to be okay and floating along, ask questions and talk, show them how you're coping, show them that you don't always cope. We're not perfect. And they don't have to be either."

If we teach our kids that mum is always happy, she's managing it, things are fine... what are we teaching our kids? To put on that mask themselves? Don't do this. Show them the times when you don't cope. Explain it and let them know so kids can process it and understand and it gives them the tools to then do it themselves.

Let’s help ourselves and our kids to navigate difficult times because going through adversity and tough  stuff, build resilience in our kids. It really does.

So, I would love you guys to reach out to me if you have experienced grief or, or your kids are going through something that they need support with and you just don't know how to handle it. When something is up, don't sweep it under the rug or don't think maybe time will be a healer. Reach out.

I'd love to help you. Let’s do this together.