Why Won’t My Kids LISTEN?! Getting Your Kids to Hear You.

Do you find yourself wondering why your kids seem to ignore you all the time? Like they have selective hearing? They might be watching TV or on the iPad and it can take five or ten attempts at trying to get their attention! For some of us, this is one of the most frustrating aspects of being a parent! We wonder why they seem not to care about what we ask of them…and gee it can really push our buttons.

Why does this happen? There are a variety of reasons, but I have summarised the main ones for you, so that we can have a little more understanding about kids’ behaviour and how to manage it.

 Reason 1: Kids’ brains are heavily under-developed. This lack of cognitive skills means our kids have difficulty shifting attention quickly and easily (for example, breaking their attention from TV to your voice). 

Reason 2: Kids are naturally egocentric and are still developing their Theory of Mind (the ability to put themselves in other’s shoes, which fosters empathy).

Reason 3: Kids inherently test boundaries as a way to assert their independence. This is normal! Healthy! Yet frustrating for us parents.

As parents, we are the leaders of our family. But wait - I don’t mean this in a traditional or authoritarian sense of leadership, but rather that we hold the key to setting the tone and the culture of our family. We are the ones who need to approach each interaction with our kids from a place of love and compassion, rather than a hierarchical ‘us and them’ type approach. It starts with US!

Here are some of my most powerful strategies that we can help our kids ‘listen’ to us. I’ve listed these tips in the form of steps, as this is a simple yet highly effective way to help support our kids’ listening.

When making a request of your kids, use the following approach:

Step 1: Check timing - is your child in the middle of a TV episode or game? Don’t set yourself up for frustration and failure. Could you wait a minute till it’s finished or a checkpoint? If so, you’ll have a much higher chance of a successful outcome.

Step 2: Instead of repeating yourself or shouting from the kitchen, go over to him or her and tap them on the shoulder, give their hair a ruffle, get their attention in a loving way.

Step 3: Get down to their level, make eye contact and THEN give your request in a way that you might with a friend or stranger (too often we make demands or give orders just because it’s our kids - would we talk this way to another adult? No way.)

Step 4: If there’s resistance, try negotiating or coming to an agreement. Too often we want things done our way, and immediately. 

Step 5: Naturally and authentically praise their behaviour. This isn’t a gushy “Oh you’re amazing thank you sooo much”. It’s a “Thanks for pausing the game buddy, that really helped us get going on time”.

Another key strategy I’m always reminding the parents I coach about. Give your kids as much notice for a transition as possible. In the morning, letting them know the day’s plans. Half an hour before you need to leave or do a task, remind them gently. 5 minutes to go, it’s an “Alright guys 5 more minutes, have your last turn”. That way, they don’t feel the threat of something being sprung on them, and have warning so they know to enjoy the last couple of minutes of whatever they’re doing. It is just so powerful to help prepare them like this.

Finally, I’ll end by mentioning how we can “strike whilst the iron’s cold”. This sounds counterintuitive, but I talk about using this strategy a LOT during my parent coaching and workshops. In the heat of the moment, or the midst of a meltdown - don’t try having a conversation about listening. Or anything for that matter. Our kids are in their ‘right brain’ emotions, and not able to engage their ‘left brain’ logical thinking yet. So, in other times when your little one is calm, have a conversation then. A relaxed, casual chat and not an interrogation. Planting seeds that way about listening and why it’s important is really powerful.

By Stephanie Pinto.

If you are finding it difficult to get your kids to listen and hear you, reach out to me.

I coach parents privately and also run group coaching on helping kids manage big emotions, how you can connect with them and help them to really hear you.

Fill in the enquiry form to contact me and I’ll be in touch. I offer free 30 min chats to anyone wanting to get some clarity.