How to Communicate with Your Kids (using Emotional Intelligence!)
As a parent, there often seem to be times when we’re talking to no one but ourselves. The kids can get glued to the TV. Or the iPad. We wonder why they never listen, and how we can get through to them. (And yes, we forget that once upon a time we were kids too!)
I’ve got GREAT news for you. There are so many simple, powerful ways to communicate and connect with your kids. Over the last few years I have found a number of strategies that are some of the simplest, yet most powerful ones that can enrich the interactions you have with your kids.
During interactions with our kids, first and foremost we need to be aware of how we are (always!) colouring the dialogue with our own emotions, body language (what we do with our body) and verbal language (what we say). When we have a stressful day at work, we’re more likely to rush the conversation, brush off our kids’ questions, and sometimes even leave them feeling hurt or unvalued. We’ve all been there! Luckily, it only takes a few extra seconds to put down your keys and phone, bob down to their level and be patient. Try not to rush them or finish what they’re saying, even if you know the question and answer. This tells your kids, “I want to hear what you have to say. It’s important to me. I value your ideas.” If nothing else sticks from this article, I would love it if you were able to just recall this fact when with your kids: Your emotions affect every interaction you have. With help, you can learn to manage them.
Do your kids succumb to the black hole that is The Screen? I’m talking about TV screens, iPad screens and so on. When kids are absorbed in these activities, their brains are literally captivated. Who knew Ninja Turtles could be so fascinating? Research tells us that children’s brains are not fully developed until well into the 20s. Kids are unable to shift their attention as easily or quickly as we are. So, hang back from treating them like mini-adults just yet! They need support, guidance, and strategies to develop in the right direction. When you’ve asked little Beau to turn off the TV, brush his teeth and get his bag 5 times in 2 minutes (and wonder why he hasn’t moved), then get back to basics! Don’t just bark orders in the middle of Leonardo’s epic fight scene. Use their name to get his or her attention first. Turn the volume down. Chunk your instructions to reduce overwhelm. “Turn it off, get your shoes and don’t forget to put your project in the car” becomes “TV off now buddy”, then “Get your shoes and project”, then “Ok in the car now!”. Such simple, yet powerful strategies.
To be a good communicator is to be a good listener. I hesitate to admit that I’m still working on this one! When we don’t listen to our kids, they can feel ignored, inferior, agitated and even hurt. For our kids to feel heard, they want to know we ‘understand them’. An easy way to do this is Active Listening. This strategy is used in any conversation, with people of any age, anywhere – it’s universal. When your child is speaking with you:
1. Make eye contact and stop fussing or rushing.
2. Display positive body language by facing your child front on, being still, unfolding your arms, and nodding as they speak.
3. Paraphrase or repeat back what they’ve said, for example, “Oh so you are upset because you didn’t get invited to the party.” This gives your child the opportunity to reiterate what’s going on for them (if you missed the mark), or feel truly heard and understood (if you got it right!).
4. Acknowledge the emotion behind what they’re saying. It’s ALWAYS there, so look for it. You can say something like, “Wow you must be so frustrated. I’d feel really upset too”.
5. Tell them you understand and you’re on their side. When you begin to problem-solve an issue with them, not for them, you become a team.
With this sense of being heard and valued, your kids will come to communicate with you more and more.
“Our kids are not empty vessels in which we need to pour our knowledge and teachings. ”
Finally, the power of choice! This is by far one of my favourite tips for communicating well with kids. Do you remember feeling like you were always being told what to do as a kid? That the adults decided everything? Infuriating, right? We can so easily start to shift some of this paradigm, just by giving our kids some autonomy and choice. Our kids are not empty vessels in which we need to pour our knowledge and teachings. They are sovereign beings, having their own thoughts and feelings, personality and will. We need to respect this, and a simple way to do this is to offer your child CHOICE whenever you can!
Offering a binary choice means just two options. “Do you want cereal or toast for breakfast?”. Firstly, choices limit overwhelm. When kids are given open-ended questions or too many options, often they just can’t decide. Their decision-making centres of the brain are not fully functioning, as we’ve already mentioned. Consistently offering choices prevents boundaries from becoming inconsistent. Giving your child a choice on their clothing one day, but a direct instruction to on what to wear the next day, this leads to confusion, as well as opens up to negotiation, aka whinging, testing and pleading. Ensure you’re happy with either choice you offer, then you can’t go wrong. Meanwhile, your kids are happy as they’ve been able to choose what to watch or eat that morning! (A word on kids ‘testing’ you and ‘pushing back’ – this is NORMAL and is how kids check their understanding and the strength of the boundaries you’ve set. Accept it!)
The last thought I want to leave you with regarding choice, is to what heights can you take this concept? How much choice can you give your kids without giving them the reigns? I’ve seen parents giving their (older) kids the choice of where to go on their family holiday (two options that were first agreed on by the adults of course). How amazing is that? Imagine the respect and value those kids feel. So, decide what works for you and your family and go with it!
By Stephanie Pinto.
I’ve been working with families for over 10 years as a communication specialist and Emotional Intelligence coach, so I would love to chat with you about how I can help you or your family. Want more information? Please feel free to get in touch by using my Contact Form below for a free chat!