Why Kids Feel the Need to Lie...
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Have you caught your child lying, or hiding the truth… and feel the huge disappointment of knowing they are being intentionally dishonest? It’s not a nice feeling - I have been there myself!
As parents, we often wonder why our child feels the need to lie, especially when we feel that we do not ‘punish’ them.
Doesn’t this seem confusing! I’ve worked with many parents who have said “Why are my kids dishonest about what they’ve done, when I really never get angry at them for it?”
So, why do children lie? What can we do about our child lying? Should we be doing anything at all??
These are some of the questions parents raise and are curious about when it comes to their child’s behaviour.
Let’s zoom in on some ways to manage it with an Emotionally Intelligent approach - one that means we stay connected and close to our child but also maintain healthy, loving boundaries.
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Well let’s get into it. There are many potential factors as to why children lie.
Here are some common reasons:
Our child may have experienced a reaction from us in the past that they wish to avoid. Kids are energetic beings, much more so than us adults. We are up in our ‘busy head’ (i.e. analytical brain) and miss these signals. Our children do not! They sense when we are disappointed, upset, or frustrated, even when we try our best to hide it. Kids pick up on our emotion much more than we realise.
They are developing an understanding of logic and ‘consequences’ - the cause and effect of their behaviour. This is just natural and common sense. They don’t want to get in trouble or shouted at. They feel ashamed of what they’ve done, that's why they tend to lie instead of telling the truth.
They love and adore us and do not want to disappoint us!! Our children can sense and pick up our disappointment, thus they may lie so as not to hurt our feelings.
Even though we tell our kids that lying is bad, it’s inappropriate, or “it’s okay to tell the truth” we have to be aware that they are still developing these cognitive skills, their logic and rational thinking.
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PARENTS: WHAT NOT TO DO!
Do not let yourself ‘blow up’ when your kids are lying. Understanding and recognising their emotion and the reasons they may have lied is vital.
Do not shame them or unload intense disappointment onto your child.
I know how frustrating it is when our kids are dishonest but we have to manage our emotions so as not to put them to shame or pass on the guilt. This only has negative effects. However, this does not mean we are restricted in setting limitations and boundaries too.
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HOW CAN WE NAVIGATE DISHONESTY, USING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
First and foremost, manage your own emotions and ensure you respond thoughtfully, rather than simply react.
Keep in mind your child’s brain is heavily under construction!
In the moment, validate any possible shame or embarrassment, whilst stating the boundary related to the dishonest statement.
At another time, connect with your child (from a neutral place) discuss truth, lies, impacts on themselves and others.
Model mistakes to your child by allowing them to see your mishaps - they are always learning from us. Show them that parents and others adults make mistakes too, but it’s how we repair that counts.
Model and guide them to problem-solve. Questions such as “What can we do about it”, “How can we try this next time?” These questions encourage our kids to develop a growth mindset.
Move on with the day! Do not hold a grudge. Know that your child is growing and learning and evolving constantly.
If you are concerned about your child’s behaviour, please reach out. You are not alone and there is so much we can do to support them. Let’s do this together!