Help… I’m an Angry, Shouty Parent!

Photo by Bermix Studio on Unsplash

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that!”

“What did you just say??”

“Wipe that look off your face!”

“Get in your room NOW!”

The realisation that you are (sometimes) a shouty parent is not a nice one at all. I’ve been there. I see your pain! I know the feeling of not being able to control your anger or frustration with your kids. The feeling the pot bubbling over and just ‘flipping your lid’.

When we want to get rid of that shouty vibe at home – we must realise first that it’s a habit. Where have we learned this habit from? What is it doing for us… is it serving a purpose? Behaviours that are reinforced, stay put. So let’s take a deeper look at why we shout, what it’s potentially doing to our child and our relationship with them and of course how to un-do this toxic habit.

The tendency to shout at our child when they challenge us or when they do something that doesn’t meet our expectations, has often some deep roots within us. Let’s look at two strong ones:

1.      We may have seen and heard lots of shouting when we were a child. This can be a common experience for many people, and so the shouting has become normalised. It’s almost ‘weird’ or ‘woo-woo’ to be a calm, respectful parent who uses other methods to discipline their child. The mentality here is: “This is how I grew up, doesn’t everyone do this? What do you mean, there’s another way??”

2.      Our brain has been wired (since caveman times) to utilise a knee-jerk reaction when it feels as though it’s under threat. This used to be when a saber-tooth tiger approached our cave, now it’s traffic, deadlines at work, or a child “disrespecting” our decision. The mentality here is: “I go from 0-100 and I have no control over it”.

Photo by Bermix Studio on Unsplash

Unfortunately, there is a huge power imbalance between us as the parent, and our child. I cannot stress this point enough. When I coach people around becoming emotionally intelligent parents, it’s THIS that is an eye-opener.

The disparity between us as the parent, and our child is so great. We have a fully developed neocortex (logical, critical thinking brain). We can out-smart our child. We can apply logic and reasoning that they literally do not have access to yet. We can railroad them with the complexities of language. We can even ‘corner them’ with our physical size and stature. We have the experience of being in arguments many times before; they have not. And we can unconsciously use this to our advantage. We call the shots, and they are unable to match up to our level.

The level of control we have over our children is staggering, and at worst, is dangerous.

“That’s it, I’m throwing all your toys in the bin.”

“I’ll give you something to cry about!”

“The party is cancelled! Tell all your friends it’s your own fault. See if I care!”.

Would we EVER speak to another adult like this??

When kids shout at their parents, there are consequences or even punishments. When parents shout at their child, there is no consequence. Let that sink in.

Your child cannot hold you accountable for your actions and the way you speak to (or shout at) them. So if not them, who? It is up to us to take a stand against our own habits, our own brain, and start changing our ways.

I firmly believe that using an approach in the heat of the moment to resist from flipping our lid, and acting in a way we regret, is just one way to remove the shouty habit. Another, more powerful way is to shift your mindset on our child’s behaviour so that is doesn’t trigger us into shouting in the first place. Imagine not having those ‘hot buttons’, our child’s words and actions would no longer be able to triggers us. (This does NOT mean we have no boundaries or adopt a laissez-faire approach with our child).

Photo by Artem Maltsev on Unsplash

Here are my top 5 tips on getting rid of your inner Shouty Parent.

1.      Recognise and reflect deeply on the power imbalance between you and your child. How has this shown up for you in the past? What is it doing to your relationship? Let these feelings be your guide and your motivation to change.

2.      Understand that your child’s behaviour is NOT a threat to you. You are safe, in control, and can handle the situation from a place of calm conviction. When you do this, you are modelling to your child how to handle their big emotions.

3.      Find and implement a circuit-breaker in the heat of the moment – something that will crack the habit of instantly raising your voice. It could be placing a hand on your heart, repeating a calming mantra, closing your eyes to take 3 deep breaths. This will allow you to pause and respond rather than react.

4.      Practice setting healthy boundaries for your child from a place of empathy and emotional intelligence. Not shouting does not mean permissive parenting. Read my blog on Boundaries.

5.      Enlist the support of another adult to give you the accountability you need. Open up, be authentic, dig deeper and challenge yourself – a partner or friend is a great place to start. A parenting coach is another powerful option to get the support, guidance and accountability you need to keep the momentum going.

If you are struggling with your child’s challenging behaviour, and feel like a shouty, snappy parent, reach out. I coach parents to shift the way they react to their child in day-to-day situations so that they can bring calm back to the home. Let’s do this together!